


How (not) to  Respect  the Kudos Eldritch Abomination

by beneathameteorshower



Category: AO3
Genre: Eldritch, Kudos - character - Freeform, Lovecraftian Monster(s), Mock horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 01:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beneathameteorshower/pseuds/beneathameteorshower
Summary: There had been whisperings on the forums.. disgruntled people disappearing.  The AO3 had become so big it had taken on a life of its own.. bending time and space .. creating cracks in the fabric of the website itself.. a thing has come in from the outside of time and space.. an ancient thing.. an unspeakable thing...I did not want to be the next to disappear!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Sacrifice A Day Keeps the Monster Away](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17396723) by [sweepingdonut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweepingdonut/pseuds/sweepingdonut). 



respect..yes yes that's the thing! A sacrifice I must make a sacrifice. But what is the right sacrifice for a Kudos Eldritch abomination? An emoji!

I search through my emoji menu and find a princess emoji with a pink conical princess hat. I feel sure this is the right one. This is the right sacrifice to be made. I click and send the emoji.. Do I see a flash of claws? Tentacles. A whiff of brimstone? A tiny scream echoes in my mind. There is now just a white space in the emoji menu where the princess once was

I justify my actions. This was one sacrifice for the good of the village. The unspeakable abomination will he placated. My Emojis will be safe. No the whole AO3 community will be safe.

This reasoning lasts for about a minute as I go on to check my inbox, put my email in order. But the tiny scream stays with me until my mind rebels. How could I think it was acceptable to sacrifice one for the good of the all? Every emoji is precious! We must fight to stop these despicable sacrifices!

I line up 10 knight emojis in a neat row. I click send. Is there a demonic laugh? Terriified screams echoing of things that should not be known. I stare. Where the knights were are now a neat row of 10 skull emojis.

Clearly pure brawn will not do. This will take cunning to defeat this transdimensional horror. I carefully overlay a nice juicy sheep emoji over a a steaming poison emoji. But this is THE Eldritch Kudo. Clearly not just one will do. I line up 10 juicy poisonous sheep in a row. I send. Do I hear a satisfied burp? And then I stare. Where there once were 10 plump sheep emojis are 10 disgusting poop emojis.

I gave the Eldritch Kudo abomination DIARRHEA!!!

It clearly will not be happy with me. I panic. I start sending every weapon emoji I can find. Knives, guns, bombs, nuclear symbols......

There is a odd buzzing I can feel in my teeth. I stare. MY WHOLE EMOJI MENU HAS GONE BLANK! My hand shaking I reach to carefully turn off my computer. Then I unplug it for good measure. Phew.. I get up to go for lunch.

As I'm leaving my phone buzzes.....


	2. Chapter 2

POV: The Kudos Eldritch Abomination

The Kudos Eldritch Abomination was just settling down for a nice after-meal nap. He thought 10-15 years of sleep might be nice. (Time isn't the same thing for an ancient Eldritch Abomination). When a princess popped into existence right beside him screaming her head off. The Eldritch abomination sighed. He was full and princesses weren't his favorite meal. They were always so scrawny and boney and tasted of yuchy things like perfume and soap. Really he preferred a nice juicy steak. But he definitely wasn't going to be able to get any sleep with her screaming her head off like that so he shuffled her off to a corner and told her she could play with his treasure. This quieted her down immediately.

The kudos eldritch abomination smiled, curled his tentacles in around him, and settled down to go to sleep, when:

*POP* *POP* *POP* *POP* *POP* *POP* *POP* *POP* *POP* *POP*

Ten little men had popped into existence right beside him and immediately started hitting him with sticks. The Kudos Abomination yawned sleepily, accidentally spraying his spittle around the room which immediately melted the men only their tiny skeletons remaining. *OOPS* The Eldritch abomination sighed, and returned the skeletons to whencever they had come in the correct manner for a sacrifice. Really protocols had to be maintained even if it was annoying.

The Eldritch Abomination had just closed his eyes when 10 juicy sheep popped into existence. Well that was more like it! He wasn't going to turn down juicy sheep even if he was a bit full. He opened his mouth and revealed a obscenely long dark, slimy snake-like tongue and whipped the sheep into his mouth letting out a satisfied burp. Instantly, he knew he had eaten too much as his stomach roiled and burbled. Uh, he needed to poop, like right away. Not wanting to soil his home he looked around and saw the hole the sheep had popped out of still open. Ah, that would do. 

Feeling much better but still a bit queasy the abomination exhaustedly lay down when all manner of THINGS started issuing from the hole hitting him in the side. It was when a tiny bomb exploded right on his nose (THAT HURT) that the eldritch abomination had had enough. He leaned his head down next to the hole and let out a low rumbling roar in frequencies too high and too low for men's ears to hear. Well, he thought pleased, after a moment, that seems to have quieted things down. Then he laid his head down on his claws and fell asleep.

\-----------------------------

On the other side of existence my hand trembling, I reached down to answer my phone. It was my boyfriend wanting to know why I was late to lunch.

THE END


End file.
